I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Your cock deserves a montage
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
