dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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