Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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