You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
