I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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