Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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