I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
