Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
