I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
