I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
