after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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