I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
