Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
