i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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