Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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