The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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