I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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