Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
