My nipple is on Facebook.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
