there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
