Soap is not a condiment
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Randomize
