There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
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Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
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wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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