Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
