You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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