You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
