i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
