my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
In America we eat man semen.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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