I'm lost and stupid without you.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
