I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
