ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wear drunk well.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
