When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
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I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
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I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.