I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
