one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
