i just had sex bonerless
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.