why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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