he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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