Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
