I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
