Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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