I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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