No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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