last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Mom said you looked used
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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