I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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