Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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