I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
