Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
