He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
