I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
