Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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