you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
