Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Drunk is not a location!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
