I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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