when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
