i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
It's rum buckets o'clock
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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