Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
