is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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