Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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