Come see our sink grown plant.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
