Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
