You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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