if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
