every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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