If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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