what day is it and did you see me today?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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