Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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