So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
