Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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