I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
