Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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